Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Sign of Things to Come?

This Thanksgiving Eve I'd like to share with you the promise of awseomeness.

This was addressed to me by my mother-in-law via facebook. Name's have been changed to protect, not the innocent, but me from having my time wasted by being yelled at.


I think it's going to be at Jack and Jill's, but it's cool there for now (counselling...), so we'll see. You know how things can change.
Is this going to be in your family blog?

Yes it is. Oh, yes it is.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Pumpkin Pie vs. Santa: One Marriage's Epic Battle

I beg your forgiveness. I have been noticeably absent the last few weeks. Part of the reason I have not posted is:

a) No one has shared any additional stories to post.
b) I have been in too much of a funk as of late to post my own.

Why were you in a funk, Dee? I hope is what you're asking. Why reader, first, I thank you for your concern. Second, it is the time of year that the never ending arguement I have with hubby stirs up. Yes, after November 12 of every year since our marriage up until the end of Thanksging Day. When is a person allowed to begin openly celebrating Christmas?

Having grown up in Canada, Thanksgiving is celebrated in October on what those in the USA call Columbus Day. Let's face it, the man did not find North America and the ground is too cold in late November to bring in the crops. That's why Thanksgiving is logically celebrated in October in Canada.

Now, we don't start the celebrations then because Rememberance Day hasn't passed yet. November 11th must be kept solemn. Unlike here in the USA where Veteran's Day is an excuse for mattress and furniture sales. We pin the red felt poppies onto the dusty lapels of the winter coats we just brought out of the closet. We observe a moment of silence at 11 am and close all the banks. But...November 12...IT'S ON MUTHA!

Sadly, in my hometown, I missed the 105th annual Santa Claus Parade. A fond memory of many Torontonians upbringing. It was on November 15th this year. Christmas has long been in full swing. Yet, my dear loving hubby has a fit when asked what he wants for Christmas. I tell him that I'm in full on Christmas mode and he doesn't care.

Before you think he's insensitive (which he definitely isn't) this is his side. His claim is that holidays are to be celebrated in order. In the USA we haven't reached Thanksgiving so it's way too early to be talking about Christmas. I understand that but how do I not get into the Christmas spirit that organically comes over me every November?

So, I again apologize for not writing sooner. But the process of squashing the overwhelming holiday spirit is exhausting. I want to throw sparkles and tinsel on everything I see. I doodle snowmen, pine trees and little Santa's Workshops while at work. I'm in a desperate state. But don't worry about me. Come Black Friday I won't be shopping but breaking out the storage boxes filled with decorations.

November 27th Christmas is on Bitch!

Second Poll Results

Well, I must say, the readers of this blog are very passionate people. The results of this latest poll were interesting. Who is more evil? Is it Michael Bay or Racists?

Only 2 folks chose racists. That was out of 7 votes. Only 2.
4 folks believe they are equally evil. Ouch
1 person out there actually believes Michael Bay is more evil.

I was pleased to learn that you readers recognize good cinema. I don't know if Bay is more evil. Even the dimmest bulbs deserve some joy. But I'm guessing that one person showed up to the midnight Transformers 2 showing as I did. It really did feel like someone was shoving a hard, prickly object up my a...

I'm beginning to see where they were coming from.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Our Second Poll

If you've followed this blog then you know about the polls are a little different. I like theming them after posts submitted by others but I'm going to cheat. I'm going to base it off one that I posted about my own family experience. This newest poll is based off the post titled "The Christmas Michael Bay Killed".

Please express your opinion.

More stories coming soon.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

You'd Host an Interesting Funeral.

The poll was about cracking jokes in the same room as a corpse. here's how you voted.

Always Acceptable only got 1 vote.
Never Acceptable got 2 votes.
Only If The Family Initiates got 5 votes
Okay If You disliked The Person got 2 votes.

I have to say that I would like to go drinking with the 3 people who voted
Always Acceptable & Okay If You disliked The Person. I have a feeling it would be a really good time.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Christmas Michael Bay Killed

With the holidays upon us I find myself looking back for experiences to share within that time. A lot of the recent ones involve my in laws since marriage required me moving to Illinois away from my family.

Last year as the adults sat around the dining table talking one of the children came up to us. "You know what I hate?", "What?", we all asked induldging the 11 year old. "Japs" he said. Well, that sure silenced us all for a second before an uproar ensued. When asked why he would say such an awful thing he stated that he had just watched Pearl Harbor and loved it. We became riotous again at the fact that he could love that movie.

Now we of course explained how horrible a thing that is to say and why it is wrong. We then pointed out all the Japanese products he loved, namely his television and gaming system, and told him that if he truly hated the Japanese that he had to now give them up. He quickly changed his position. If only solving all racism were so easy.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Don't Forget

If you have a cringe worthy family tale, photos, texts, emails or videos don't forget to share it with us. We're all one big family after all. Submission details for Because It's Family can be found at the bottom of the page.

Add us to your email address list so we're at your finger tips when you witness something amazing. I'll be doing the same.

-Dee

becauseitsfamily@gmail.com

Big Pimpin'

Because he's family I'm taking a time out today to pimp my husband's blog, BALLS = YOU LOSE. You can check out his writings, photos and videos at

http://ballsyoulose.blogspot.com

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Gorging Grampa

I have a grandfather who I love dearly, but can be extremely annoying. He currently lives in Puerto Rico but when he comes to visit the family, he usually overstays his welcome. We really wouldn't mind it much but my grandfather is not only a loud mouth but a slob!

He walks around the house as if it's his own. Everyday he wakes up at 4:30 in the morning making coffee and yelling at the yop of his lungs to my grandmother (it's just the way he talks, he always sounds angry). So of course he ends up waking up everyone else. We come downstairs and always smell this awful aroma as if an animal died in our house (but it's him passing gas on the sofa) while he watches Telemundo and spills coffee and breadcrumbs on his clothes and floor.

When it's time for everyone to wash up, he's in the bathroom for an hour and 15 minutes (most of that time he's combing and spraying his hair to perfection). When he finally steps out of the bathroom, our nose hairs burn off from the overpowering perfume he sprayed on his body for about 3 minutes!

He always walks downstairs to see if my mom is cooking and if she isn't he's asking her every 5 mins when she will (he loves to eat). When it's finally time for lunck and dinner, he's the first one at the table. We all grab a seat and start eating. My grandfather starts up a conversation about something he saw on the news or something the everyone could care less for. But once his mouth opens, food starts flying everywhere!! I once had a chunk of his food fly onto my plate. I was done eating after that. Crumbs are all over his lap, the floor and table.He's always coughing food up because he's eating extremely fast. And on top of that he belches after every meal.

He usually comes to visit for a week but ends up staying for 3, so you can imagine the intense cleaning we have to go through EVERYDAY. Once it's his time to leave, he hugs me extremely hard (breaking every bone in my fragile body) and rubs the top of my head saying "I love you girl!You be good for your mom and make sure you get married by next year around Christmas because that's the next time I'll be here". My grandfather can be annoying but beacuase he is family we cherish it all.

Submitted By: Shavon, Illinois

As annoying as your grandfather is it's not you I feel bad for. You mentioned he's still with your grandmother! That poor woman. I believe in learning to accept the quirky things your spouse does but this is above and beyond. Granny gets the Nobel for Peace not having destroyed this man by now.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Sugar Motherload

We were at my mother's house and she was thoughtfully trying to give us halloween safety tips. She knew we were taking our daughter door to door for the first time. I could tell by my husband's expression that he felt she was talking down to us. She did have that kind of tone but its just her and I'm used to it. Anyway, she saw a story on the news about sex offenders and was telling us how we could avoid them. My husband then says, "We have to go to those houses. They're going to have THE best candy". It was the first time I ever saw my mother speechless.

Submitted by: Anonymous, Indiana

I have to agree. The ones who are working an angle will have the best product. Just don't go into their "haunted house". We'll never see you again. In all seriousness, be safe out there this Halloween folks.

Friday, October 30, 2009

A Spooky Secret

The air is crisp, breezes have a slight chill and the leaves are crunching under my feet. It's the end of October and tomorrow children will be going door to door to receive rewards for living out their imaginary lives. While my hubby and I sat on our couch plowing through a three pound bag of Tootsie Rolls "for the kids" it took me back to a specific halloween night.

When I was seven a cousin of mine volunteered to take me out that night. My mother obliged as would any parent of a chubby child who has to walk excessively. Oh, the whining. As an adult I'd probably shot myself if I had to listen to child me.

Well, I soon discovered that this was more than just a special night of bonding. She took me on the bus and we travelled to a different part of the city. It was the neighbourhood that the boy she was forbidden to see lived. Now, at this point, I just want to get me some candy. As we go to each home they're in their own world holding hands and talking.

I quickly become disillusioned with the whole experience. This area of town is hilly. There are three to four flights of stairs to get to each home and fences in between so you can't cut across. My little rotund self had to work hard to earn my sweets that night. My clown costume which was snug in the middle had legs which were far too long would catch under my feet during the epic journey to the sugary summit.

Why did I have to be creative this year? Why couldn't I settle on a plastic mask you couldn't see or breathe through along with a plastic smock that had My Little Pony galloping across or She-Ra raising her sword. Sure, the heat and condensation formed under a mask was uncomfortable but it didn't compare to the torture of physical activity.

I soon gave up. Not one of my prouder moments but I was tired and hyperventilating. I didn't want to trick or treat for a few years afterwards. I would stay home and hand out candy with my mother. She would almost push me every year to go out fearing I was missing out on my childhood. I did eventually tell her why I avoided the ritual. I told her when I was thirteen. On that particular day I was a bridesmaid at my cousin's wedding to the boy she was forbidden to see.

Happy Halloween to you all.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Now On Facebook

Join the online community and join in on post themed discussion. Have your say about the site. Is there a something you'd like to see from us? You can let us know there.

All you have to do is click the BECOME A FAN button on the sidebar to join the fun.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Our First Poll

The "Meeting The In Laws" story was shocking. We're all agreed that racism is completely uncalled for and evil. Had something else been said, like an actual attempt at a joke, would it still be considered inappropriate? Why not ask the faithful readers? Let me know what you think and we'll publish the results. The poll closes a week and 5 min from now.

Meeting The In-Laws

A few years back, my wife's grandmother passed away. Attending the funeral was to be my first true interaction with her family. We arrived early at the funeral home, so were able to greet every single person who walked through the door.

One of the last in the procession of mourners asked where I was from. "Chicago," I replied. "Oh," he said, "there's a lot of black people there."

Pause.

"That's a joke."

No, it's racism. But how do you start a fight at a funeral without looking like a total d-bag. I hold my tongue for my wife. Why? Because it's family.

Submitted by: Mark, Illinois

Wow. Sounds like even death isn't sacred anymore. Even if it were a joke (which I agree it wasn't) how is that even appropriate?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

We've Received a Great Honor Very Quickly

We received the following message from "We Hate Your Blog":

We hereby declare a pact to never hate on your blog. We look forward to more cringworthiness.

A huge honor indeed. Don't forget to visit them at

http://wehateyourblog.com

Never Give Your Parents Your Work Number

I arrive in the office (9:20am) and sneak inconspicuously towards my desk. If I tiptoe no one will notice I am late. Jamie rolls his eyes when he sees me.

Still I don't think Ted noticed. In fact he doesn't appear to be here, nor does Andi. "They are in a meeting with Jay." Rob says guessing what I was thinking. I hate it when he does that.
"What is the meeting about?" I ask
"Timekeeping." Rob says and then bursts out laughing.
"I hate you." I say blushing.

I go up and make tea for the group. It's my penance for being late.

When I get back to me desk Jack Ethan and Rob are crowded around it playing with me phone. It is now on loudspeaker and no one can seem to change this. Great.

At that point my phone rings - I shush the guys so I can sound professional on my call.

"Good Morning Small Anonymous Publishing company, Kate speaking" I say in my best posh voice
"Cactus! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday dear Katie happy birthday to you!" Sings my dad down the phone.
Oh God I think I might die.
"Er thanks Dad." I say, "But it’s not my birthday today it's Emma's" (my sister)

Note to self - giving parents your work number is a bad idea.

Submitted by : Kate, London, UK

http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com/2009/10/never-give-parents-your-work-number.html

Monday, October 26, 2009

Stand By Your Man

When my husband and I got married we did so in a secular ceremony officiated by a lovely gay Lithuanian Othodox minister who was a former Hindu monk. I think I remembered that correctly. Point is we didn't use traditional vows. As vague as I am on them I could have sworn there was a part about love, honor and obey.

I rememnber a day when I was 8 or 9. The whole family was together when an uncle said he would do anything for his kids, including dying for them. Someone pointed out that he would do the same for his wife. That threw him and explained he wouldn't because he didn't love her. She was sitting right next to him. I spoke up in my tween wisdom to say that can't be true and he should say sorry. I was then told to leave the room because what I said was rude!

The part about 'til death do us part must have worked because they apparently are still together.

Submitted by: Amy, Illinois

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Worthy of Reward

my brother once kicked me into the tv cabinet and split my head open.
why? because he wanted to watch the simpsons and my head was blocking his view. lol.
i required 3 stitches and have a long horizontal scar across the centre of my forehead.
he won a chocolate bar from his teacher at school after confessing to this, as she deemed it "the coolest bad thing you've ever done"

Submitted by: hohkyo, Melbourne, Australia

I love both chocolate and mischief. Wish I had gone to this school.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

In The Hot Seat



His uncle asked for a seat near the fire. He did even better.

Soft and Supple

Proving there is such a thing as too much to drink.

We were celebrating a friends birthday at his mom's house. As things were beginning to wind down his brother-in-law decided to admit that he was need of Cialis or Viagra. Mom as sweet as can be asked him to stop. He then went up to her and said, "Try to fuck me. I won't get hard." She just shook her head and walked away. Since she didn't seem shocked it made me wonder how many times this has happened before. The party was officially over.

Umm...Happy Birthday???

Anonymous

Friday, October 23, 2009

Birth of an Outlet

Just about all of us have them. They can be the most encouraging and loving people in our lives. They can also be the people that drive us crazy the most. They are our family members. They have the audacity to do and say the most bat shit things to us. These are things that would lead us to start a bar brawl or castrate a stranger if it were anyone else.

There is a bloodline, though, that gives them shelter from their offenses. We smile politely, nod and pour another glass of whatever on the dinner table has the highest alcohol content.

What we are here for is to remind you that yes, you are sane. Yes, that was bewildering and uncalled for. No, not fighting back doesn't make you a pussy, it makes you decent.

This is a community for something universal: being in a family. We are all your brothers and sisters. We are all here to support you. This is not about attacking others. This site is about letting go and moving on with a few laughs along the way.

Enjoy reading. Enjoy posting. Welcome to the family.