Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Sugar Motherload

We were at my mother's house and she was thoughtfully trying to give us halloween safety tips. She knew we were taking our daughter door to door for the first time. I could tell by my husband's expression that he felt she was talking down to us. She did have that kind of tone but its just her and I'm used to it. Anyway, she saw a story on the news about sex offenders and was telling us how we could avoid them. My husband then says, "We have to go to those houses. They're going to have THE best candy". It was the first time I ever saw my mother speechless.

Submitted by: Anonymous, Indiana

I have to agree. The ones who are working an angle will have the best product. Just don't go into their "haunted house". We'll never see you again. In all seriousness, be safe out there this Halloween folks.

Friday, October 30, 2009

A Spooky Secret

The air is crisp, breezes have a slight chill and the leaves are crunching under my feet. It's the end of October and tomorrow children will be going door to door to receive rewards for living out their imaginary lives. While my hubby and I sat on our couch plowing through a three pound bag of Tootsie Rolls "for the kids" it took me back to a specific halloween night.

When I was seven a cousin of mine volunteered to take me out that night. My mother obliged as would any parent of a chubby child who has to walk excessively. Oh, the whining. As an adult I'd probably shot myself if I had to listen to child me.

Well, I soon discovered that this was more than just a special night of bonding. She took me on the bus and we travelled to a different part of the city. It was the neighbourhood that the boy she was forbidden to see lived. Now, at this point, I just want to get me some candy. As we go to each home they're in their own world holding hands and talking.

I quickly become disillusioned with the whole experience. This area of town is hilly. There are three to four flights of stairs to get to each home and fences in between so you can't cut across. My little rotund self had to work hard to earn my sweets that night. My clown costume which was snug in the middle had legs which were far too long would catch under my feet during the epic journey to the sugary summit.

Why did I have to be creative this year? Why couldn't I settle on a plastic mask you couldn't see or breathe through along with a plastic smock that had My Little Pony galloping across or She-Ra raising her sword. Sure, the heat and condensation formed under a mask was uncomfortable but it didn't compare to the torture of physical activity.

I soon gave up. Not one of my prouder moments but I was tired and hyperventilating. I didn't want to trick or treat for a few years afterwards. I would stay home and hand out candy with my mother. She would almost push me every year to go out fearing I was missing out on my childhood. I did eventually tell her why I avoided the ritual. I told her when I was thirteen. On that particular day I was a bridesmaid at my cousin's wedding to the boy she was forbidden to see.

Happy Halloween to you all.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Now On Facebook

Join the online community and join in on post themed discussion. Have your say about the site. Is there a something you'd like to see from us? You can let us know there.

All you have to do is click the BECOME A FAN button on the sidebar to join the fun.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Our First Poll

The "Meeting The In Laws" story was shocking. We're all agreed that racism is completely uncalled for and evil. Had something else been said, like an actual attempt at a joke, would it still be considered inappropriate? Why not ask the faithful readers? Let me know what you think and we'll publish the results. The poll closes a week and 5 min from now.

Meeting The In-Laws

A few years back, my wife's grandmother passed away. Attending the funeral was to be my first true interaction with her family. We arrived early at the funeral home, so were able to greet every single person who walked through the door.

One of the last in the procession of mourners asked where I was from. "Chicago," I replied. "Oh," he said, "there's a lot of black people there."

Pause.

"That's a joke."

No, it's racism. But how do you start a fight at a funeral without looking like a total d-bag. I hold my tongue for my wife. Why? Because it's family.

Submitted by: Mark, Illinois

Wow. Sounds like even death isn't sacred anymore. Even if it were a joke (which I agree it wasn't) how is that even appropriate?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

We've Received a Great Honor Very Quickly

We received the following message from "We Hate Your Blog":

We hereby declare a pact to never hate on your blog. We look forward to more cringworthiness.

A huge honor indeed. Don't forget to visit them at

http://wehateyourblog.com

Never Give Your Parents Your Work Number

I arrive in the office (9:20am) and sneak inconspicuously towards my desk. If I tiptoe no one will notice I am late. Jamie rolls his eyes when he sees me.

Still I don't think Ted noticed. In fact he doesn't appear to be here, nor does Andi. "They are in a meeting with Jay." Rob says guessing what I was thinking. I hate it when he does that.
"What is the meeting about?" I ask
"Timekeeping." Rob says and then bursts out laughing.
"I hate you." I say blushing.

I go up and make tea for the group. It's my penance for being late.

When I get back to me desk Jack Ethan and Rob are crowded around it playing with me phone. It is now on loudspeaker and no one can seem to change this. Great.

At that point my phone rings - I shush the guys so I can sound professional on my call.

"Good Morning Small Anonymous Publishing company, Kate speaking" I say in my best posh voice
"Cactus! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday dear Katie happy birthday to you!" Sings my dad down the phone.
Oh God I think I might die.
"Er thanks Dad." I say, "But it’s not my birthday today it's Emma's" (my sister)

Note to self - giving parents your work number is a bad idea.

Submitted by : Kate, London, UK

http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com/2009/10/never-give-parents-your-work-number.html

Monday, October 26, 2009

Stand By Your Man

When my husband and I got married we did so in a secular ceremony officiated by a lovely gay Lithuanian Othodox minister who was a former Hindu monk. I think I remembered that correctly. Point is we didn't use traditional vows. As vague as I am on them I could have sworn there was a part about love, honor and obey.

I rememnber a day when I was 8 or 9. The whole family was together when an uncle said he would do anything for his kids, including dying for them. Someone pointed out that he would do the same for his wife. That threw him and explained he wouldn't because he didn't love her. She was sitting right next to him. I spoke up in my tween wisdom to say that can't be true and he should say sorry. I was then told to leave the room because what I said was rude!

The part about 'til death do us part must have worked because they apparently are still together.

Submitted by: Amy, Illinois

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Worthy of Reward

my brother once kicked me into the tv cabinet and split my head open.
why? because he wanted to watch the simpsons and my head was blocking his view. lol.
i required 3 stitches and have a long horizontal scar across the centre of my forehead.
he won a chocolate bar from his teacher at school after confessing to this, as she deemed it "the coolest bad thing you've ever done"

Submitted by: hohkyo, Melbourne, Australia

I love both chocolate and mischief. Wish I had gone to this school.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

In The Hot Seat



His uncle asked for a seat near the fire. He did even better.

Soft and Supple

Proving there is such a thing as too much to drink.

We were celebrating a friends birthday at his mom's house. As things were beginning to wind down his brother-in-law decided to admit that he was need of Cialis or Viagra. Mom as sweet as can be asked him to stop. He then went up to her and said, "Try to fuck me. I won't get hard." She just shook her head and walked away. Since she didn't seem shocked it made me wonder how many times this has happened before. The party was officially over.

Umm...Happy Birthday???

Anonymous

Friday, October 23, 2009

Birth of an Outlet

Just about all of us have them. They can be the most encouraging and loving people in our lives. They can also be the people that drive us crazy the most. They are our family members. They have the audacity to do and say the most bat shit things to us. These are things that would lead us to start a bar brawl or castrate a stranger if it were anyone else.

There is a bloodline, though, that gives them shelter from their offenses. We smile politely, nod and pour another glass of whatever on the dinner table has the highest alcohol content.

What we are here for is to remind you that yes, you are sane. Yes, that was bewildering and uncalled for. No, not fighting back doesn't make you a pussy, it makes you decent.

This is a community for something universal: being in a family. We are all your brothers and sisters. We are all here to support you. This is not about attacking others. This site is about letting go and moving on with a few laughs along the way.

Enjoy reading. Enjoy posting. Welcome to the family.